Nothing Stops the Mail

From Itora Wiki
"Nothing Stops the Mail"
Campaign 1 session
Session no.Session 13
Session dateMay 8, 2021
Start dateMay 31, 353 WSK
End dateMay 31, 353 WSK
Bunnies as the Dungeon Master
Narrative chronology
"The Purple Goddess" (1xDT03)
"Minor and Major Magic" (1x14)
Session order
"The Purple Goddess" (1xDT03)
"Minor and Major Magic" (1x14)
List of Campaign 1 sessions

"Nothing Stops the Mail" (1x13) is the 13th session of the first campaign of Itora.


They all compare what they got up to over downtime. Pine reveals that he had some kind of mystery he had to solve involving a dog and the theft of some jewelery. The troops head off to the mansion, and they speak to the butler, who leads Versa up to the room where the jewelery was kept. Versa, the most tactful being in existence, accuses the butler of having committed the crime. The butler seems unimpressed. Downstairs, Gael speaks to the other dog and convinces him to follow the scent trail of the other dog that got lost.

The dog takes them out into the garden and leads them to a hedge. The group literally takes 15 minutes to get over the fucking hedge. They then stop the dog from diverting to a food stall, and then eventually make their way to the Madame temple. Versa GROANS. The dog leads them to the back of the temple where there’s an open feild for the dogs to run around and a door that leads into the temple itself. Versa casually walks in, and seeing the attendant in the room just casually announces that they’re looking for a dog. Surprised, the guy says he can take the group to see one of the matrons. Lucky for Versa it’s not the same one she pissed off last time; she’s in a room with some kind of console that she activates, and the dog they’re looking for is teleported into the room. They pick up the dog, collect the other one, pick up lunch on the way back to the house, and collect their rewards including a spell scroll and a statuette of a doggle. This and the previous paragraph easily took two hours.

Then, Lurtak wants to find the sunthorne, so he goes down to the dock and starts making a whole bunch of noise about wanting to have someone disappeared. Nobody takes him up on it. Finally versa asks wtf he’s doing, he explains, she sighs and leads them all off to see Afiqa. She helpfully tells them that the sunthorn has a lot to do with couriers, so they leave, and lurtak asks the cookie tin if there are any couriers around. At the moment Lurtak eats the cookie, one walks past with a tattoo of a rose being hit by a sunbeam on his neck. The group gives chase and catches the guy, Versa paralyses him, and they drag him off into an alleyway to interrogate him - to no effect. His tattoo has disappeared and he seems confused af. Gael casts charm person on him and convinces him to go about his route. They do so, and see the guy… deliver mail. Including to a potions shop, where the owner is pleased to recieve some rare reagents. Lurtak exchanges one of his potions. Versa finally has enough and just wanders off. This paragraph took AN HOUR AND A HALF OF REAL TIME.

The group finally meets together at the docks. The cult arrive, now all wearing pineapple hats like Pine. The Avarice appears in the bay, and Versa flies out to the ship, tackles Magpie, says hi :3. Then also tells Magpie that she’s got presents! Magpie asks if it’s her wings, Versa awkwardly says no, they’re a tattoo, but if she wants a set of wings too she can show where she got them. She then explains that she made some friends, or followers, or worshippers if you will, and THEY got Magpie some presents.

When they dock, Versa goes invisible and Magpie hesitantly descends the gangplank alone ahead of everyone else. Immediately Versa’s followers fall to their knees and call her high priestess. Magpie turns and glares at the spot where she knows Versa was previously, hears Versa’s giggle. The cult members say that they have been commanded by their goddess Ire to present the high priestess with gifts, which they then pull out. Magpie says ‘You can come out now, your highness’; Versa hops down the gangplank, puts her chin on Magpie’s shoulder, wraps her arms around her waist, drops invisibility. Surveys the (slightly lacklustre) gifts, kisses Magpie’s cheek, says ‘Isn’t this nice of them?’

There are a few gifts, none of them particularly interesting except for the gnome’s hand-drawn pictures of Versa in a variety of cool action poses, wings out. Magpie accepts them, and Versa magnanimously thanks her followers and dismisses them. She points at their beanies though, says they should probably get rid of THOSE and come up with some kind of holy symbol instead. Or, idk. Set up a temple. Or a regular meeting space. Whatever.

Once they’ve left, Versa pulls out her set of pamphlets for the different temples and gives them to Magpie, babbling about her mission to find Magpie a new patron, asking which temple Magpie liked best. She suddenly realises, takes back the pamphlets, removes the one about wedding ceremonies, hands them back. Magpie says she doesn’t really know, and that she’ll probably go survey them the next day with Kismet, because she’s sure Versa has other things to do.

Versa, who was expecting to tour the temples with Magpie or at least discuss this with her at length, deflates. She hesitantly says ‘Oh… uh, cool, yep, good plan. Let me, uh, lemme know how that goes. I’ve definitely got heaps to do. Lots of important things. Hey uhhhh I’m gonna go do them right now, it was good to see you, see you around? Have a good one, night!’ and quickly turns to go. Magpie calls out after her that she didn’t say she had to leave, but Versa faux-cheerfully says that it’s all good, she doesn’t wanna impose. She disappears into the city.

Magpie sighs and turns to the others, who are silently cringing at versa’s awkwardness. She sadly asks that they talk to Versa; she acknowledges that the past few months have been traumatic, but she says that she’s getting increasingly worried. Versa seems far more depressed, anxious and self-sacrificing than she ever was before, keeps taking things people say the wrong way. She says she would try to talk to her herself, but she’s worried she’ll say the wrong thing and make it worse - it seems like Versa’s ESPECIALLY sensitive when it comes to Magpie. They promise to talk to her. ((Gael, without anybody else noticing, here quietly says that Magpie should marry Versa, and that Versa talks about it. Magpie blushes and looks away.))

Lurtak goes down to the shore and plants a magic bean, because apparently he’s bored. It sprouts an angry statue that loudly calls for his death. Lurtak asks Kevin to tackle the statue into the water, which Kevin does - with gusto. Eventually they filter onto the ship, into the crew’s quarters, and find a place to sleep.

Versa sits alone in one of her cold hiding places for a while, then starts to walk around the city for a while, pacing and pining and worrying. Eventually, a few hours later, she finds herself back on the docks. She stands at the bottom of the gangplank debating whether she should climb aboard, but eventually turns to leave. Just as she does so, the pseudodragon lands on her shoulder, digs its claws in, curls up as close as it can around her neck and starts to purr. Versa pulls him away, climbs the gangplank and puts him on the deck of the ship, tries to shoo him back toward the captain’s quarters, and then goes to walk back down the gangplank. Immediately the lil dragon hops after her, climbs up her clothes, nestles up to her neck again. Versa hesitates, turns, goes down to the captain’s quarters. Just as she raises her hand to knock Magpie opens the door, looking expectant. Versa holds the pseudodragon out by the scruff and awkwardly says that she found him outside and didn’t want him to get lost, but she tried to leave him on the deck and he wouldn’t stay, so-

Magpie interrupts, maintaining eye contact, deadpans that she can see through the critter’s eyes at all times. In fact, she can even control what it does.

Versa freezes. Magpie cocks an eyebrow, steps to the side. “Get in here, dumbass”. Versa goes in.

During the night, Versa asks some questions of Magpie

   V: How do you talk to this BBESM?
   M: "I don't really talk to them, they communicate with me in my mind, sometimes it's words, sometimes it's just images, ideas, feelings, and my brain Seems to translate it"
   V: (Resigned) "So the only time you were able to talk to it directly was when you were drowning..."
   M: “Yes.”
   V: Do you think it'd be angry if I researched it? If I found out things about it and passed them on to you?
   M: "Judging by the pointed questions I suppose you've already done that haven't you" "But I imagine it might be annoyed as anyone would be when you're being investigated, but I have no way of knowing how it would even be aware"
   V: gives her all the info she collected
   V: What has it told you to do here in Ockburn?
   M: explains that she’s just conducting normal business, or stopping by on her way to other pirate business. She says the BBESM hasn’t told her to do anything specific here.
   (A while later) What lengths would you go to to keep me safe? Like... what if you knew I was in serious danger, and you knew a way that you could keep me safe forever, but you knew I would be really angry or upset if I found out about it. Would you do it anyway...?
   She says she’d do whatever she has to do to protect me and (I can’t recall exactly) either find her way back to me or bring me safely back to her. (That doesn’t exactly give me a huge amount of validation for my plan to make her forget me, fuck.)
   (Completely breaking pirate taboo) Were you happy…? Before you joined my crew?
   She thinks for a bit, and then slowly says that she was, then pauses, and says that since she and I got together she has gained a new understanding of what happiness really is. (the fucking guilt is eating versa up inside at this point)

Versa is then quiet for the rest of the night, wishes her luck the next morning, and tells her to update her via sending stone on her temple crawl. She needs to stop by the temple with the doggles and threaten them into not telling Magpie what she asked of them, and then ask if it’s gonna be a problem that Versa’s around being a fake deity and naming Magpie her high priestess. Seeking further validation for her plan to leave.

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